“I rescued an octopus from a local market, it’s been in my house for about a day (I used to watch my friend’s exotic fish when he was out of town so I have all the equipment I need). Anyway I bought a six pack of Guinness while I was bringing the octopus home and left it on the table next to the tank. Somehow this dipshit got out of the tank, which had a screen and rock on top of it, opened one of my beers and somehow managed to drink it. It’s midnight and I don’t know if I should take him to a vet or what. Would a vet even look at an octopus?”
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